The Other Side

Recently I happened to watch the movie ‘Maleficent’ and it had an important message in it. Let me summarize the story before I begin.

We all know the story of the Sleeping beauty, where the evil witch Maleficent curses the princess to permanent sleep that can be revived only by true love’s kiss. The king sends the princess away to safety, under the care of 3 fairies who bring her up.. Yeah you guessed it right.. A prince arrives, kisses her and they live happily ever after.

But the movie Maleficent shows a very different perspective of the Sleeping Beauty story. There is a flashback where the king betrays Maleficent and burns her wings. Years later, she avenges by cursing his daughter.. And the 3 fairies are actually dumb and highly incapable of taking care of a baby. So reluctantly, Maleficent herself begins to take care of the little princess and eventually develops a maternal affection for her. And in the end, it’s not the prince’s kiss that heals her; she is actually revived when Maleficent kisses her, for she is the princess’ true love.

Of course, both the above versions are mere fairy tales. But if we think about it.. Through our childhood, we had grown up hating Maleficent because we were told the king’s version of the story.

How often does that happen in our lives? Everyday.

I once told a wise friend of mine that it’s a big coincidence that most of my friends are being dumped in their love life.. It was kind of weird that all of my friends happen to be the “dumpee” and none of them the dumper.. He told me, “That’s because you know only one side of the story.” How true is that!

We all make the mistake of judging after hearing what one person says. In most cases we do not get to hear the other’s person’s story at all, still we judge.

Not only in everyday life, but the content shown in today’s media is also one person’s viewpoint. TRP ratings seem to be the only goal for most news networks, so the context that sells is highlighted. The viewer is fed “what’s interesting” rather than “what really happened”. In most cases, all we see is the tip of the iceberg.

So the next time a colleague complains about his boss, a friend complains about her in-laws, a child complains about a teacher, lets empathize.. But let’s not judge. For everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact and everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Stepping into their shoes..

A few months ago, I had come across a post on Facebook. A couple went to a restaurant which was extremely crowded. It took over an hour for their food to arrive. What would you have done? Well, by thumb rule, I am never grumpy to waiters since they handle our food! Do not make them angry is my policy.  Anyway, the couple did something unexpected. They handed him a heavy tip and a thank you note.. For the waiter had been working tirelessly amidst the chaos and constant yelling by furious customers.

This post taught me a great lesson. I used to lose my temper when the security guards wouldn’t allow even the tiniest of chocolates to the workstation! (P.S. The last one was when I bought a pack of masala from a nearby store and the security wouldn’t let me take it in! Dude..! I’m not going to eat that masala and spill it at my desk) But it takes only a little patience to realize that it is not their fault and that they have been instructed to not allow associates to carry food to the workstations.

I am a fan of ‘Brain Games’ on Nat Geo. In one episode, the audience was asked to imagine their boss yelling at them for no reason. Obviously, we tend to get angry. Then the scenario was slightly changed. We were asked to imagine that our boss recently lost his house in a fire or has a sick child to care for. Now the imagination of the boss yelling had a different perspective. We were not so angry. Apparently, the human brain is naturally wired to be empathetic. Even if the boss did not really have a tragedy, imagining it helps. I don't really imagine a tragedy but just that he/she being yelled at by their boss. 

The black-blue-white-gold dress that broke the internet a few months back (read about it here, in case you haven’t come across it.) is a proof that we need to look beyond our perspective. We believe our eyes and hence are convinced that the dress is black-blue, but we should not fail to see that people who see it as white-gold are right too.

It takes only a moment. We have a choice to lose our temper or to empathize. It could be anyone- a spouse who has cooked a bad dinner, a child who has broken your favourite watch, a parent who takes time to master a new gadget, a friend who did not turn up when you needed, a co-worker who did not approve your idea or a complete stranger who was rude to you.

It takes only a moment to step into their shoes and see their perspective.

It does require patience and regular practice to get into the habit of empathy. But.. Wouldn’t the world be a better place to live in, if we reminded ourselves to step into their shoes every single time?

Create the change..

The big fat controversy of this week-the interview of the infamous Delhi rapist on the documentary ‘India’s Daughter’. Oh the irony, with Women’s Day coming up..! Ban beef, ban the documentary… Looks like our government is on a futile banning spree. I quickly caught up with the video last night, before it is blocked on the internet too. (which is likely to happen very soon!)

The public is raging (atleast on social media). We want him killed.. He’s no human.. Hang them all in public.. The lawyers should be punished too for making such derogatory comments..! We need stricter laws! The comments are endless.

A deeper issue

While the crime itself is heinous, the appalling lack of remorse is what is alarming. I was shocked to see him narrating the entire incident with absolutely no guilt. The problem is larger than this particular case. He’s not alone. His interview reflects the mindset of millions of other narrow minded Indian men. It is said that the misogyny and recent rise in crime is because women are more independent now and certain men are unable to accept this fact. Mukesh Singh is on a death sentence and will be hanged soon. But what about the million others with the same mindset? If a woman is independent, she is termed as ‘loose’ and deserves to be ‘taught a lesson.’ Now let’s remember, THESE men are not only in the slums or villages. They may equally hail from the elite crowd, holding high positions. Remember the politicians who stir up a controversy now and then, with their ‘blame-the-victim’ comments? Or the high profile abuse cases! Or the lawyers themselves in this case. They can be one of us too!

Start from the root

What made these rapists think that their action is right, without the slightest guilt? The society and the system! Men who cannot respect or hold women in high regard are those who have witnessed abuse and those who have been taught that women are inferior. The father who abuses the mother is responsible. The mother who puts up with the abuse is equally responsible too. Every one of us is responsible. The discrimination is all around us.. Only if that ends, will these crimes against women end.  

• Dowry system has to be curbed. When that ends, bringing up a daughter will no more be considered a burden. Female infanticide will end there too. All you men out there yelling on face book against those rapists, take note. You are responsible too!
• Education needs to be given top priority. Kerala’s high sex ratio is a result of its high literacy rate. Government schools need to be revived. We need more schools for the poor, than freeTVs. Give the poor parents an incentive for sending the children to school. It will result in a larger attendance. Also, teachers should be trained to consciously avoid all gender discriminations.
• From the law’s perspective, the cases need to be fast-tracked. ALL cases, not just the rarest of the rare.. Politicians who make humiliating remarks must be suspended. Khap panchayats who impose rules on women should be banned. The government should not turn a blind eye to such self-proclaimed governing bodies.
• Since movies influence general public, filmmakers should make responsible movies. And no, I am not talking about the actresses’ clothes or dance moves-let them be. The emphasis should be on the roles they play. Powerful roles should be given to women, not just an arm candy for the action hero. And filmmakers should stop making movies where the heroine is depicted as modern and outgoing in the first half and then falls in love and becomes a saree clad homemaker  in the second half. It sends wrong signals-as if girls are easy and only the sindoor-saree draped housewife is a good woman.
• The educated class needs to wake up too. Telling ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘girls prefer dolls to cars’ are hidden gender discriminations. Even though they’re small scale, they will have a bigger impact on the society at large. I was watching a cartoon with my nephew last week. The kids in the cartoon were playing basketball. I was taken aback by a boy’s dialogue “Oh I don’t want to lose to a girl!’ WHY!!!! Now you know where the problem begins!

No doubt it is a very long process but we need to start now. India’s daughter is dead. Let us save at least the granddaughter!

Seize the moment, I say!

 

 

It was a regular weekend.. As always, the week’s work had piled up. In the weekdays we’re always on the run, so the weekends are filled with a long list of “to-do” tasks.. I’m sure most of you can relate to this, especially if you’re married.

So.. As my hubby and I were busy with the household chores, my 1yr old was acting all cranky. She was very much restless and was constantly following us, not letting us work. By the end of the day, we were done with our work and finally sat down to relax. I was surprised to see that her mood had completely changed then. She was running around in joy, and hugged and kissed us. It was then it struck me that she wanted our attention all along. It got me thinking. We’re so busy running the rat race, that we fail to enjoy the small moments that really mattered. Very soon, my daughter will be a grown-up. Very soon the innocence will be lost. And very soon she will be busy with her own life. I definitely do not want to regret then for not having cherished every little memory. So I have decided to chuck the weekend chores now and then, and spend quality time with my dear ones.

That brings another incident to my mind. My grandma- she was always there for us through our childhood. But after I started working, I hardly found time to talk to her. One night before going to bed, I decided to talk to her. We spoke for an hour. It felt nice. I realized how much I missed talking to her and decided that I am going to make some time for her every day, no matter how busy I am. My grandma breathed her last, that night.

So we never know what life has in store for us. Let’s remember to value every moment. A tourist guide at an underwater world once told me this-“Most visitors here are too busy clicking pictures of the sea creatures that they actually forget to see and admire them Live.” It applies to our lives also! We forget to stop and enjoy the moment. When we are old we will probably not remember the fancy PPT presentations we made. But that fun trip with family or candid moments at a cousin’s wedding will stay strong in our memory. Undoubtedly, we all know this fact. But easier said than done, most of us are trapped in this whirlpool of ‘being-too-busy’. So here are a few tips from the top of my mind and the internet.

• Make sure you always have dinner together. A family that eats together stays together.
• Turn off the tv/internet. Facebook newsfeed can wait. Go for short walks rather than sitting together and watching tv.
• Plan short trips every now and then.
• Do household chores together. Ask your kids to help you on the errands.
• Set time aside to meet your friends and relatives.
• Call people!
• Keep a journal to write a thank you note to someone/something that you have, every day.
• Take up a language course or a hobby with someone.

Let’s admit it. We all have the time. It’s the prioritization that matters! “If it’s important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse”

From personal experience, we get motivated momentarily on reading such posts but again we’re dragged back to the whirlpool! So let us make an effort to sustain this and constantly remind ourselves on what’s important in life.

Comments are most welcome! Request you to add on a few more tips that are worth sharing.

Image courtesy: Internet

Lane discipline? Eh? What's that?

So the rural development minister dies in a car crash. Because a driver thought it was okay to jump signal. How many such countless lives are lost on our roads? How many families have lost their loved ones for no fault of theirs?

An average Indian driver will come across all sorts of dangers and uncertainties on road. If you’re not on constant red alert, there are high possibilities that you might never make it home. Driving regularly the past few months has made me come across shockingly poor road etiquette. We Indians seem to be having a tough time comprehending simple road rules.

Reckless honking tops the list- it looks like people’s fingers are stuck on the horns like Aladdin’s magic lamp. They think that they can clear the traffic by just honking. At times I see people honking constantly when the signal is red. What do they expect? That the signal will turn green on honking? On the contrary, they do not honk at sharp turns when they actually have to!

Then comes jumping signals. It’s like a feat! You jump a signal- Bravo! You rock. You are a rule breaker. You’re the Don of the road. The traffic police is too exhausted and tends to ignore you!

Couple of years back I used to live in a house in a one-way street. Trust me, I have never crossed the road without looking at both sides. There is always a bike or two striding happily from the wrong side, sometimes in full speed..! They think it’s okay! Why waste time going all the way on the right side when you can quickly go through the wrong side?

Sticking to one lane seems like tying up our hands. We want full freedom to jump to as many lanes as possible. Is your lane moving slowly? Then jump to the next! If that lane is slow too, then jump to the next one. And oh! Overtake other vehicles as much as you want! When you do jump lanes, DO NOT look into the rear view mirror to see if there are vehicles behind you. It is kept there to check if your hair is in place, otherwise don’t use it at all. And indicator? You mean that fancy light on both sides of the vehicle? Is that actually used to signal the person behind you, that you’re trying to jump lane? He will know anyway when you’re jumping, so what’s the point in taking pains to switch on the indicator! Such is the state! I have seen vehicles that have no rear view mirrors. I wonder how they dare to bring the vehicle to roads. I mean, how do they even manage to drive with no view of what’s happening behind them! We seem to have a mindset of shift of responsibility. The responsibility of safety is shifted to the person behind, who has to be alert to your sudden turns or lane jumping. And it’s a cycle.

And then there’s this youth in that bright colored fancy bike with weird honk sound. He likes to draw invisible designs on road, making zigzag moves. He appears suddenly startling you, making your heart skip a beat and then disappears in the traffic! Whoa.. looks like he’ll be the first to reach home!

Then there is this haughty pedestrian who totally ignores the pedestrian crossing or any signal and runs across like a kid. I’m sure all of you would have come across the group of giggling girls who think running across roads is fun. They pose a great risk and should be banned from road. I have always wondered.. Are there laws to fine the pedestrians for breaking the rules? Tell me if you know!

We have the attitude that breaking rules for our convenience is acceptable. Jeopardizing others’ lives does not seem to be a matter of concern. And sadly, it passes on the next generation because our children learn from us. All I can say is.. Let us pledge to adhere to the rules and teach our kids the same!

Image taken from Internet.

STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM!

 

Unless you’re living under a rock, you sure are constantly noticing the growing instances of crime against women. Ok with the recent elections mela, the news channels have pushed these crime news to the backseat, but as you know, once the election flavors die down, they’ll be back on track.. The debates about these crimes against women go on and on with the blame games(Read Arnab and his primetime debate ;) ). Is the government taking sufficient safety measures? Are our laws strong enough to punish these crimes? Is gender equality a distant dream? Is death penalty the right option?

But what has been bothering me is a different perspective of this debate. The perception that a woman invites trouble by the way she dresses. Ridiculous, right? Wait.. Not all of you think it’s ridiculous? I know!!

I was angered seeing the numerous ludicrous comments by politicians who blame the victim for the crime. The most recent one being “Boys make mistakes, they shouldn’t be hanged for that” I just assumed they were uneducated and have barbarian views. But again I happened to notice comments on facebook, by apparently-educated men supporting the view. I was shocked. What pained me the most was men on my own facebook friends list sharing videos endorsing this view! It was then that I decided to write this blog.

To all those backing the view, I have a few questions.

• Crime against women are more common in villages than in cities. Does that mean women in villages are more skimpily clothed than their counterparts in city?
• Child rapes/abuses are on the rise. Do you blame their clothes too?
• You pass a house and an enticing aroma of your favorite meal reaches your nostrils. Will you barge in and eat it? (Oh come on, it’s their fault that they let the aroma linger out of the house!)
• Yes, a girl who wears shorts and dares to walk through the streets will be the cynosure of most men’s eyes in our country. A girl in the same attire in the Western nations will not be looked at twice. So is the problem with the clothes or the mindset?

And this is to the women who wag their tongues(I have done this too before I realized its wrong!) over other women’s clothes. Trust me..! “Decent dressing” is a relative term. For someone who wears a burka, a salwar/saree might be over-exposing. For someone who’s clad in saree/salwar, jeans might be obscene. For someone in Jeans, shorts or tank tops might seem skimpy.. so next time you want to moral police on someone’s clothes, remember that your clothes are not perfect either and someone might do the same to you.

The root cause of these crimes is the mindset.. I solely blame the parents(and partly society) of every criminal for failing to teach the right values and the fact that women are no lesser than men.

Image taken from internet.

YOGA KU NAAN GUARANTEE! :)

Yes I know!! You have heard it a zillion times in all forms of media. The benefits of yoga! With even the west catching up fast on yoga and celebrities adopting this practice, it is no surprise that it has become a hot topic.

But wouldn’t it be more convincing to hear the experience from someone you know?

Well, here goes my story..

I was slightly overweight for 4 yrs. From 12th grade to 3rd year of college. I’m using the word “slightly” because weight seems to be a relative term. Some long lost aunt who arrives one fine day would declare “Oh! Look at you so thin. Kids these days are dieting all the time to look slim”.  On the other hand, my classmates in college would call me fat! Anyway by overweight in this context, I mean a little above the benchmark that is set by the younger generation as acceptable weight. 

Not that I was actually bothered..  Neither did i attempt to eat less, nor did I try to work out. Also, I had wheezing problems since childhood, so I had convinced myself that physical activities aren’t for me.

4th year of college-time for a change!

Whiling away my time at home with only final semester project happening. With lots of holidays, my sleep pattern was changing like crazy. I used to be up till 4am (there was no way I could go to sleep before that, however hard I tried) and my wake up time was well after noon. I was a mess. In fact I tried walking on the treadmill in the evenings, hoping it would make me tired and get me to sleep early, but in vain!

Then one day, I happened to come across a yoga video in YouTube. Since I was pretty jobless and killing time anyway, I decided to give it a try.

It wasn’t bad-not too hard. Yes, certain stretches were way beyond my reach, but I did what I could, as the instructor in the video mentioned. Incredibly, on Day 2 I fell asleep soon after dinner. Can you believe that? In a week’s time, I sensed so much difference. I felt so peaceful and rejuvenated. The body aches that I experienced in the first week (what else can you expect after years of no physical activity?), eventually disappeared. My breathing problems were getting better. Strangely though, people started questioning about my health and advised me not to starve. All i wondered was “Me? Starve??” It was then that I noticed that my clothes were getting oversized for me. I was so rapidly losing weight. And mind you, I wasn’t starving!!!

After experiencing all the benefits, who would want to give up? I continued. I became addicted to it. My health improved so much that wheezing did not stop me from carrying out other physical activities. I could now run in games-my endurance had improved so much that when others took a break panting and gasping for breath, I was still going strong. It was a magical boon!

After i started working, of course, there was no TIME..! But I made sure that at least 15 minutes of yoga is part of my routine. I relax and perform a few poses just before catching my bus in the morning. It has become an integral part of my life. Of course, with the current work pattern and long travel, I tend to miss it on some days. But it is okay, I make an effort to catch up even if I have a tiny slot in the 24 hour day cycle. Pregnancy has not stopped me from continuing either. I am still going strong with my yoga. J

So all you people out there, I very strongly recommend yoga. It is for everyone. Doesn’t matter if you’re thin or fat or old or young or weak or healthy! It is proved to heal several diseases and also prevent many diseases from coming to you in the future. And mostly importantly it keeps your mind peaceful, considering all the stress we undergo at work. Now don’t convince yourself that you do not have the time. Start with the weekends, the addiction will eventually drag you into finding time in the weekdays. In fact, you can perform the breathing exercises and meditation while at desk, only to be refreshed to continue your work.

Trust that most of you would start the yoga journey after reading this! Comments are welcome.

To all those who are already practicing, please share your experiences.