The Stalker

2018 has been a year of weddings in my family. My sister got married. A close cousin got hitched too. The shopping, the preparations, the numerous functions were all so much fun.

Indian weddings mean that several new members are added to your extended family. You get to meet so many people. And then there is the stroke of serendipity of meeting long-lost friends/family who happen to be invited by the other side. It’s a small world! 

Now, after my sister’s wedding a few of the groom’s cousins/friends popped up on my Facebook friend’s suggestion list. It was strange, as there were no mutual friends. I hadn’t yet added my brother-in-law. Well what do you know! I thought Facebook had worked it out with a neat algorithm considering my sister and BIL were friends.

Then came my cousin’s wedding. After all the ceremonies were over, there was again an update in my Facebook friends suggestion list. This time it was even more strange. Complete random faces that I saw at the wedding. There was no mutual network.

So there was only one common factor that Facebook considered to conclude that the person could be an acquaintance. The location.! The said persons were at the same location- Sangeet, wedding, reception for an extended time. This helped Facebook establish that I knew them.

That is interesting..! And scary..! 

While at times it could be useful to keep in touch with people, imagine how our profile would pop up on random people’s pages just because we were at the same location multiple times. Violation of privacy! I know what you are thinking! Once our profile is out there, we should just forget our rights to privacy! Agreed.

But this sounds even more unsafe. So if this piece of info is bothering you, you can turn off Facebook’s access to your location. And ‘believe’ that our profile is safe to ‘an extent’. 

Pinch of Salt

(In continuation to the last blog that I wrote like.. 20 yrs ago! :P)

Did you know that eating pineapple with yogurt will help you lose weight? Uhmm No.. I just made that up!

A few months ago, among the numerous motivation articles that I was reading, there was this one statement- 'Adopting the power pose (stand with your feet apart, your hands on your hips, and your chin tilted upward, like Superman or Wonder woman) for 2 minutes a day will boost your confidence for the rest of the day.'  Many articles mentioned that researches had been done and it was scientifically proven that this works. Well, I tried it but somehow I didn't think it made a difference. Maybe the chin angle was not perfect. :P Recently, this 'Power Pose' popped up again on my FB Home page. This time a different article. The effects of Power Pose was nothing but blown out of proportion overreach, propagated by media.

Btw, have you heard of the infamous 'NASA Scientist' who fooled Indian media for 2 years? It all started when he told some friends that he had been recruited by NASA. Somehow it reached media's ears and then news reports started flowing around. All the major newspapers-Hindu, Indian Express, Matrubhumi, all of them had stories written about how 'great' he was. He was also felicitated by many associations and invited to give lectures. One fine day, the cat was out of the bag! A police officer who had doubts, enquired further. Every single detail in the news reports was a lie. NASA never recruited him! He was a teacher by profession.

I am sure that at some point, every one of us has received the email hoaxes.  For instance, the mail that stated that onions are magnets for germs, so cutting and leaving them out makes them poisonous. I usually verify it on sites like hoaxslayer.com. Now, what surprises me is.. These hoax mails or fake FB posts have crept into the Tamil/Malayalam magazines that the elders at home read. :O

Well this blog is not for really criticizing the media. After all, they are people. People make mistakes. People have deadlines. People are pressured by their bosses to deliver, irrespective of the outcome! People look for shortcuts!

But this blog is to remind us not to believe just anything that is published, even if it's a famous one. Every article/news item needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. With the internet being open for anyone to write anything they please and the mainstream media copying that, the probability that a post you read is incorrect is 56.87414%  :P

The Other Side

Recently I happened to watch the movie ‘Maleficent’ and it had an important message in it. Let me summarize the story before I begin.

We all know the story of the Sleeping beauty, where the evil witch Maleficent curses the princess to permanent sleep that can be revived only by true love’s kiss. The king sends the princess away to safety, under the care of 3 fairies who bring her up.. Yeah you guessed it right.. A prince arrives, kisses her and they live happily ever after.

But the movie Maleficent shows a very different perspective of the Sleeping Beauty story. There is a flashback where the king betrays Maleficent and burns her wings. Years later, she avenges by cursing his daughter.. And the 3 fairies are actually dumb and highly incapable of taking care of a baby. So reluctantly, Maleficent herself begins to take care of the little princess and eventually develops a maternal affection for her. And in the end, it’s not the prince’s kiss that heals her; she is actually revived when Maleficent kisses her, for she is the princess’ true love.

Of course, both the above versions are mere fairy tales. But if we think about it.. Through our childhood, we had grown up hating Maleficent because we were told the king’s version of the story.

How often does that happen in our lives? Everyday.

I once told a wise friend of mine that it’s a big coincidence that most of my friends are being dumped in their love life.. It was kind of weird that all of my friends happen to be the “dumpee” and none of them the dumper.. He told me, “That’s because you know only one side of the story.” How true is that!

We all make the mistake of judging after hearing what one person says. In most cases we do not get to hear the other’s person’s story at all, still we judge.

Not only in everyday life, but the content shown in today’s media is also one person’s viewpoint. TRP ratings seem to be the only goal for most news networks, so the context that sells is highlighted. The viewer is fed “what’s interesting” rather than “what really happened”. In most cases, all we see is the tip of the iceberg.

So the next time a colleague complains about his boss, a friend complains about her in-laws, a child complains about a teacher, lets empathize.. But let’s not judge. For everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact and everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Stepping into their shoes..

A few months ago, I had come across a post on Facebook. A couple went to a restaurant which was extremely crowded. It took over an hour for their food to arrive. What would you have done? Well, by thumb rule, I am never grumpy to waiters since they handle our food! Do not make them angry is my policy.  Anyway, the couple did something unexpected. They handed him a heavy tip and a thank you note.. For the waiter had been working tirelessly amidst the chaos and constant yelling by furious customers.

This post taught me a great lesson. I used to lose my temper when the security guards wouldn’t allow even the tiniest of chocolates to the workstation! (P.S. The last one was when I bought a pack of masala from a nearby store and the security wouldn’t let me take it in! Dude..! I’m not going to eat that masala and spill it at my desk) But it takes only a little patience to realize that it is not their fault and that they have been instructed to not allow associates to carry food to the workstations.

I am a fan of ‘Brain Games’ on Nat Geo. In one episode, the audience was asked to imagine their boss yelling at them for no reason. Obviously, we tend to get angry. Then the scenario was slightly changed. We were asked to imagine that our boss recently lost his house in a fire or has a sick child to care for. Now the imagination of the boss yelling had a different perspective. We were not so angry. Apparently, the human brain is naturally wired to be empathetic. Even if the boss did not really have a tragedy, imagining it helps. I don't really imagine a tragedy but just that he/she being yelled at by their boss. 

The black-blue-white-gold dress that broke the internet a few months back (read about it here, in case you haven’t come across it.) is a proof that we need to look beyond our perspective. We believe our eyes and hence are convinced that the dress is black-blue, but we should not fail to see that people who see it as white-gold are right too.

It takes only a moment. We have a choice to lose our temper or to empathize. It could be anyone- a spouse who has cooked a bad dinner, a child who has broken your favourite watch, a parent who takes time to master a new gadget, a friend who did not turn up when you needed, a co-worker who did not approve your idea or a complete stranger who was rude to you.

It takes only a moment to step into their shoes and see their perspective.

It does require patience and regular practice to get into the habit of empathy. But.. Wouldn’t the world be a better place to live in, if we reminded ourselves to step into their shoes every single time?

Create the change..

The big fat controversy of this week-the interview of the infamous Delhi rapist on the documentary ‘India’s Daughter’. Oh the irony, with Women’s Day coming up..! Ban beef, ban the documentary… Looks like our government is on a futile banning spree. I quickly caught up with the video last night, before it is blocked on the internet too. (which is likely to happen very soon!)

The public is raging (atleast on social media). We want him killed.. He’s no human.. Hang them all in public.. The lawyers should be punished too for making such derogatory comments..! We need stricter laws! The comments are endless.

A deeper issue

While the crime itself is heinous, the appalling lack of remorse is what is alarming. I was shocked to see him narrating the entire incident with absolutely no guilt. The problem is larger than this particular case. He’s not alone. His interview reflects the mindset of millions of other narrow minded Indian men. It is said that the misogyny and recent rise in crime is because women are more independent now and certain men are unable to accept this fact. Mukesh Singh is on a death sentence and will be hanged soon. But what about the million others with the same mindset? If a woman is independent, she is termed as ‘loose’ and deserves to be ‘taught a lesson.’ Now let’s remember, THESE men are not only in the slums or villages. They may equally hail from the elite crowd, holding high positions. Remember the politicians who stir up a controversy now and then, with their ‘blame-the-victim’ comments? Or the high profile abuse cases! Or the lawyers themselves in this case. They can be one of us too!

Start from the root

What made these rapists think that their action is right, without the slightest guilt? The society and the system! Men who cannot respect or hold women in high regard are those who have witnessed abuse and those who have been taught that women are inferior. The father who abuses the mother is responsible. The mother who puts up with the abuse is equally responsible too. Every one of us is responsible. The discrimination is all around us.. Only if that ends, will these crimes against women end.  

• Dowry system has to be curbed. When that ends, bringing up a daughter will no more be considered a burden. Female infanticide will end there too. All you men out there yelling on face book against those rapists, take note. You are responsible too!
• Education needs to be given top priority. Kerala’s high sex ratio is a result of its high literacy rate. Government schools need to be revived. We need more schools for the poor, than freeTVs. Give the poor parents an incentive for sending the children to school. It will result in a larger attendance. Also, teachers should be trained to consciously avoid all gender discriminations.
• From the law’s perspective, the cases need to be fast-tracked. ALL cases, not just the rarest of the rare.. Politicians who make humiliating remarks must be suspended. Khap panchayats who impose rules on women should be banned. The government should not turn a blind eye to such self-proclaimed governing bodies.
• Since movies influence general public, filmmakers should make responsible movies. And no, I am not talking about the actresses’ clothes or dance moves-let them be. The emphasis should be on the roles they play. Powerful roles should be given to women, not just an arm candy for the action hero. And filmmakers should stop making movies where the heroine is depicted as modern and outgoing in the first half and then falls in love and becomes a saree clad homemaker  in the second half. It sends wrong signals-as if girls are easy and only the sindoor-saree draped housewife is a good woman.
• The educated class needs to wake up too. Telling ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘girls prefer dolls to cars’ are hidden gender discriminations. Even though they’re small scale, they will have a bigger impact on the society at large. I was watching a cartoon with my nephew last week. The kids in the cartoon were playing basketball. I was taken aback by a boy’s dialogue “Oh I don’t want to lose to a girl!’ WHY!!!! Now you know where the problem begins!

No doubt it is a very long process but we need to start now. India’s daughter is dead. Let us save at least the granddaughter!

Seize the moment, I say!

 

 

It was a regular weekend.. As always, the week’s work had piled up. In the weekdays we’re always on the run, so the weekends are filled with a long list of “to-do” tasks.. I’m sure most of you can relate to this, especially if you’re married.

So.. As my hubby and I were busy with the household chores, my 1yr old was acting all cranky. She was very much restless and was constantly following us, not letting us work. By the end of the day, we were done with our work and finally sat down to relax. I was surprised to see that her mood had completely changed then. She was running around in joy, and hugged and kissed us. It was then it struck me that she wanted our attention all along. It got me thinking. We’re so busy running the rat race, that we fail to enjoy the small moments that really mattered. Very soon, my daughter will be a grown-up. Very soon the innocence will be lost. And very soon she will be busy with her own life. I definitely do not want to regret then for not having cherished every little memory. So I have decided to chuck the weekend chores now and then, and spend quality time with my dear ones.

That brings another incident to my mind. My grandma- she was always there for us through our childhood. But after I started working, I hardly found time to talk to her. One night before going to bed, I decided to talk to her. We spoke for an hour. It felt nice. I realized how much I missed talking to her and decided that I am going to make some time for her every day, no matter how busy I am. My grandma breathed her last, that night.

So we never know what life has in store for us. Let’s remember to value every moment. A tourist guide at an underwater world once told me this-“Most visitors here are too busy clicking pictures of the sea creatures that they actually forget to see and admire them Live.” It applies to our lives also! We forget to stop and enjoy the moment. When we are old we will probably not remember the fancy PPT presentations we made. But that fun trip with family or candid moments at a cousin’s wedding will stay strong in our memory. Undoubtedly, we all know this fact. But easier said than done, most of us are trapped in this whirlpool of ‘being-too-busy’. So here are a few tips from the top of my mind and the internet.

• Make sure you always have dinner together. A family that eats together stays together.
• Turn off the tv/internet. Facebook newsfeed can wait. Go for short walks rather than sitting together and watching tv.
• Plan short trips every now and then.
• Do household chores together. Ask your kids to help you on the errands.
• Set time aside to meet your friends and relatives.
• Call people!
• Keep a journal to write a thank you note to someone/something that you have, every day.
• Take up a language course or a hobby with someone.

Let’s admit it. We all have the time. It’s the prioritization that matters! “If it’s important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse”

From personal experience, we get motivated momentarily on reading such posts but again we’re dragged back to the whirlpool! So let us make an effort to sustain this and constantly remind ourselves on what’s important in life.

Comments are most welcome! Request you to add on a few more tips that are worth sharing.

Image courtesy: Internet

Lane discipline? Eh? What's that?

So the rural development minister dies in a car crash. Because a driver thought it was okay to jump signal. How many such countless lives are lost on our roads? How many families have lost their loved ones for no fault of theirs?

An average Indian driver will come across all sorts of dangers and uncertainties on road. If you’re not on constant red alert, there are high possibilities that you might never make it home. Driving regularly the past few months has made me come across shockingly poor road etiquette. We Indians seem to be having a tough time comprehending simple road rules.

Reckless honking tops the list- it looks like people’s fingers are stuck on the horns like Aladdin’s magic lamp. They think that they can clear the traffic by just honking. At times I see people honking constantly when the signal is red. What do they expect? That the signal will turn green on honking? On the contrary, they do not honk at sharp turns when they actually have to!

Then comes jumping signals. It’s like a feat! You jump a signal- Bravo! You rock. You are a rule breaker. You’re the Don of the road. The traffic police is too exhausted and tends to ignore you!

Couple of years back I used to live in a house in a one-way street. Trust me, I have never crossed the road without looking at both sides. There is always a bike or two striding happily from the wrong side, sometimes in full speed..! They think it’s okay! Why waste time going all the way on the right side when you can quickly go through the wrong side?

Sticking to one lane seems like tying up our hands. We want full freedom to jump to as many lanes as possible. Is your lane moving slowly? Then jump to the next! If that lane is slow too, then jump to the next one. And oh! Overtake other vehicles as much as you want! When you do jump lanes, DO NOT look into the rear view mirror to see if there are vehicles behind you. It is kept there to check if your hair is in place, otherwise don’t use it at all. And indicator? You mean that fancy light on both sides of the vehicle? Is that actually used to signal the person behind you, that you’re trying to jump lane? He will know anyway when you’re jumping, so what’s the point in taking pains to switch on the indicator! Such is the state! I have seen vehicles that have no rear view mirrors. I wonder how they dare to bring the vehicle to roads. I mean, how do they even manage to drive with no view of what’s happening behind them! We seem to have a mindset of shift of responsibility. The responsibility of safety is shifted to the person behind, who has to be alert to your sudden turns or lane jumping. And it’s a cycle.

And then there’s this youth in that bright colored fancy bike with weird honk sound. He likes to draw invisible designs on road, making zigzag moves. He appears suddenly startling you, making your heart skip a beat and then disappears in the traffic! Whoa.. looks like he’ll be the first to reach home!

Then there is this haughty pedestrian who totally ignores the pedestrian crossing or any signal and runs across like a kid. I’m sure all of you would have come across the group of giggling girls who think running across roads is fun. They pose a great risk and should be banned from road. I have always wondered.. Are there laws to fine the pedestrians for breaking the rules? Tell me if you know!

We have the attitude that breaking rules for our convenience is acceptable. Jeopardizing others’ lives does not seem to be a matter of concern. And sadly, it passes on the next generation because our children learn from us. All I can say is.. Let us pledge to adhere to the rules and teach our kids the same!

Image taken from Internet.