The Other Side

Recently I happened to watch the movie ‘Maleficent’ and it had an important message in it. Let me summarize the story before I begin.

We all know the story of the Sleeping beauty, where the evil witch Maleficent curses the princess to permanent sleep that can be revived only by true love’s kiss. The king sends the princess away to safety, under the care of 3 fairies who bring her up.. Yeah you guessed it right.. A prince arrives, kisses her and they live happily ever after.

But the movie Maleficent shows a very different perspective of the Sleeping Beauty story. There is a flashback where the king betrays Maleficent and burns her wings. Years later, she avenges by cursing his daughter.. And the 3 fairies are actually dumb and highly incapable of taking care of a baby. So reluctantly, Maleficent herself begins to take care of the little princess and eventually develops a maternal affection for her. And in the end, it’s not the prince’s kiss that heals her; she is actually revived when Maleficent kisses her, for she is the princess’ true love.

Of course, both the above versions are mere fairy tales. But if we think about it.. Through our childhood, we had grown up hating Maleficent because we were told the king’s version of the story.

How often does that happen in our lives? Everyday.

I once told a wise friend of mine that it’s a big coincidence that most of my friends are being dumped in their love life.. It was kind of weird that all of my friends happen to be the “dumpee” and none of them the dumper.. He told me, “That’s because you know only one side of the story.” How true is that!

We all make the mistake of judging after hearing what one person says. In most cases we do not get to hear the other’s person’s story at all, still we judge.

Not only in everyday life, but the content shown in today’s media is also one person’s viewpoint. TRP ratings seem to be the only goal for most news networks, so the context that sells is highlighted. The viewer is fed “what’s interesting” rather than “what really happened”. In most cases, all we see is the tip of the iceberg.

So the next time a colleague complains about his boss, a friend complains about her in-laws, a child complains about a teacher, lets empathize.. But let’s not judge. For everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact and everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Stepping into their shoes..

A few months ago, I had come across a post on Facebook. A couple went to a restaurant which was extremely crowded. It took over an hour for their food to arrive. What would you have done? Well, by thumb rule, I am never grumpy to waiters since they handle our food! Do not make them angry is my policy.  Anyway, the couple did something unexpected. They handed him a heavy tip and a thank you note.. For the waiter had been working tirelessly amidst the chaos and constant yelling by furious customers.

This post taught me a great lesson. I used to lose my temper when the security guards wouldn’t allow even the tiniest of chocolates to the workstation! (P.S. The last one was when I bought a pack of masala from a nearby store and the security wouldn’t let me take it in! Dude..! I’m not going to eat that masala and spill it at my desk) But it takes only a little patience to realize that it is not their fault and that they have been instructed to not allow associates to carry food to the workstations.

I am a fan of ‘Brain Games’ on Nat Geo. In one episode, the audience was asked to imagine their boss yelling at them for no reason. Obviously, we tend to get angry. Then the scenario was slightly changed. We were asked to imagine that our boss recently lost his house in a fire or has a sick child to care for. Now the imagination of the boss yelling had a different perspective. We were not so angry. Apparently, the human brain is naturally wired to be empathetic. Even if the boss did not really have a tragedy, imagining it helps. I don't really imagine a tragedy but just that he/she being yelled at by their boss. 

The black-blue-white-gold dress that broke the internet a few months back (read about it here, in case you haven’t come across it.) is a proof that we need to look beyond our perspective. We believe our eyes and hence are convinced that the dress is black-blue, but we should not fail to see that people who see it as white-gold are right too.

It takes only a moment. We have a choice to lose our temper or to empathize. It could be anyone- a spouse who has cooked a bad dinner, a child who has broken your favourite watch, a parent who takes time to master a new gadget, a friend who did not turn up when you needed, a co-worker who did not approve your idea or a complete stranger who was rude to you.

It takes only a moment to step into their shoes and see their perspective.

It does require patience and regular practice to get into the habit of empathy. But.. Wouldn’t the world be a better place to live in, if we reminded ourselves to step into their shoes every single time?

Create the change..

The big fat controversy of this week-the interview of the infamous Delhi rapist on the documentary ‘India’s Daughter’. Oh the irony, with Women’s Day coming up..! Ban beef, ban the documentary… Looks like our government is on a futile banning spree. I quickly caught up with the video last night, before it is blocked on the internet too. (which is likely to happen very soon!)

The public is raging (atleast on social media). We want him killed.. He’s no human.. Hang them all in public.. The lawyers should be punished too for making such derogatory comments..! We need stricter laws! The comments are endless.

A deeper issue

While the crime itself is heinous, the appalling lack of remorse is what is alarming. I was shocked to see him narrating the entire incident with absolutely no guilt. The problem is larger than this particular case. He’s not alone. His interview reflects the mindset of millions of other narrow minded Indian men. It is said that the misogyny and recent rise in crime is because women are more independent now and certain men are unable to accept this fact. Mukesh Singh is on a death sentence and will be hanged soon. But what about the million others with the same mindset? If a woman is independent, she is termed as ‘loose’ and deserves to be ‘taught a lesson.’ Now let’s remember, THESE men are not only in the slums or villages. They may equally hail from the elite crowd, holding high positions. Remember the politicians who stir up a controversy now and then, with their ‘blame-the-victim’ comments? Or the high profile abuse cases! Or the lawyers themselves in this case. They can be one of us too!

Start from the root

What made these rapists think that their action is right, without the slightest guilt? The society and the system! Men who cannot respect or hold women in high regard are those who have witnessed abuse and those who have been taught that women are inferior. The father who abuses the mother is responsible. The mother who puts up with the abuse is equally responsible too. Every one of us is responsible. The discrimination is all around us.. Only if that ends, will these crimes against women end.  

• Dowry system has to be curbed. When that ends, bringing up a daughter will no more be considered a burden. Female infanticide will end there too. All you men out there yelling on face book against those rapists, take note. You are responsible too!
• Education needs to be given top priority. Kerala’s high sex ratio is a result of its high literacy rate. Government schools need to be revived. We need more schools for the poor, than freeTVs. Give the poor parents an incentive for sending the children to school. It will result in a larger attendance. Also, teachers should be trained to consciously avoid all gender discriminations.
• From the law’s perspective, the cases need to be fast-tracked. ALL cases, not just the rarest of the rare.. Politicians who make humiliating remarks must be suspended. Khap panchayats who impose rules on women should be banned. The government should not turn a blind eye to such self-proclaimed governing bodies.
• Since movies influence general public, filmmakers should make responsible movies. And no, I am not talking about the actresses’ clothes or dance moves-let them be. The emphasis should be on the roles they play. Powerful roles should be given to women, not just an arm candy for the action hero. And filmmakers should stop making movies where the heroine is depicted as modern and outgoing in the first half and then falls in love and becomes a saree clad homemaker  in the second half. It sends wrong signals-as if girls are easy and only the sindoor-saree draped housewife is a good woman.
• The educated class needs to wake up too. Telling ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘girls prefer dolls to cars’ are hidden gender discriminations. Even though they’re small scale, they will have a bigger impact on the society at large. I was watching a cartoon with my nephew last week. The kids in the cartoon were playing basketball. I was taken aback by a boy’s dialogue “Oh I don’t want to lose to a girl!’ WHY!!!! Now you know where the problem begins!

No doubt it is a very long process but we need to start now. India’s daughter is dead. Let us save at least the granddaughter!